Doctors and Practical Jokes
by cheri1
Summary: The Doctor is a joker sometimes and he loves practical jokes and taking the mickey out of his companions and everyone else around him. Crackfic.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One

Jack was chatting with Mickey in the console room when suddenly the Ninth Doctor stormed inside the room. Jack and Mickey stared at him while he stomped over to the console.

"Bad day?" Jack asked him.

"Rose thinks I have no sense of humor, that I'm too serious," the Doctor said, turning to them.

"Well…yeah, at times you aren't exactly Mister Fun," Jack said.

"I have a sense of humor. I know how to be funny," the Doctor said, pointing to himself.

He sighed when Mickey and Jack gave him dubious looks.

"Okay, maybe I am a bit serious at times but that doesn't mean I know how to be funny."

"Prove it," Mickey said.

"Yeah, show us your funny," Jack said.

The Doctor folded his arms over his chest while he thought that over. Then a grin slowly spread over his face and he chuckled to himself.

"Fine, you want a joke, I'll give you a joke!" he said before running out of the room.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

The Doctor returned twenty minutes later and walked over to Jack and Mickey. They looked him over but nothing seemed to have changed.

"So…where is your funny?" Jack said.

"This…is my funny," he said, pulling a small black box out of his pocket.

"Yeah, that's not really funny then," Mickey said.

"This is not the funny thing. This is a shimmer and it adds to the joke," the Doctor said.

"Really? What is it?" Mickey said.

"It's a holographic disguise. When I activate it, it will make a three dimensional disguise that will look realistic and fool anyone. Especially Rose."

"Okay, so what disguise are you using?" Jack said.

The Doctor grinned.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

Rose was in the lounge. She was sitting on the sofa watching TV when Jack and Mickey burst into the room.

"Rose, we have an emergency!" Jack yelled as the two men ran up to her.

"What's wrong?" Rose said to them.

"The Doctor went completely insane and went on an eating binge!" Jacks said.

Rose gave him a confused look.

"He ate something?" she said.

"More than something, a heap of somethings," Mickey said.

"He cleaned out the larder and just kept eating and eating and now he's fat," Jack said.

"Fat? He's fat? He was thin a few hours ago," Rose said.

"Hey, he has an alien body, apparently they get fat really fast," Jack said with a shrug.

"Yeah, sure. Pull the other one," Rose said.

"It's the truth, Rose," Mickey said.

"Stop it, I'm not fooled," Rose said.

"I suppose we'll have to show you then," Jack said. "Just be prepared to be shocked."

Rose rolled her eyes while Jack walked over to the lounge doorway. She watched while Jack called for the Doctor and then the TARDIS expanded the doorway until it was twenty feet across. Then to her horror, the Doctor slowly waddled inside the room. He was nearly round like a small planet and he had several double chins. Rose leapt up from the sofa, staring at the Doctor in horror as he slowly waddled over to her.

"Doctor, what happened?" Rose said to him.

"Jammie Dodgers. I lost control," the Doctor said as he waddled over to her. "And roast beef and Yorkshire pudding and custard and boiled sweets and crisps. I couldn't stop myself and now I'm rotund."

Rose looked him over, thinking it was a costume but as far as she could tell, his fat looked real.

"You get fat this fast?" Rose said, walking around him.

"Yes. Well, my Time Lord physiology is different from yours and if I eat too much…this happens," he said, gesturing to his body.

"So what happens now?" Rose said as she came around to the front of him. "Are you going to stay put until you return to normal?"

"No, I'm not letting this stop me. I'm going to explore and see the universe!" the Doctor said emphatically.

Jack and Mickey turned to hide their grins when Rose stared at him in shock.

"You're going to go out of the TARDIS looking like a balloon?" Rose said in disbelief.

"I won't let weight gain stop me! I have a job to do!" the Doctor said.

Rose stared at him while he waddled out of the room. She looked at Jack and Mickey who managed to keep straight faces through all this.

"He's gonna fight evil looking like a blimp?" she said to them.

"Apparently so," Jack said, shrugging.

"Rose, let's go visit Jackie!" the Doctor said, leaning his head back into the room.

"What? No!" Rose said.

Mickey and Jack sniggered while Rose ran out of the room after him. Jack nudged him and they followed Rose.

By the time Rose ran out of the room, the TARDIS had made a huge doorway and made a shortcut to the console room. Rose ran across the corridor from the lounge and entered the console room. Nine was puffing heavily while he leaned against the console.

"Phew, that was quite a walk," the Doctor said to Rose while Mickey and Jack came into the room. "But I must carry on."

"Doctor, have a rest," Rose said while the Doctor waddled around the console, setting a course for Jackie's flat. "Isn't there something you can take to make you normal again?"

"Nope, only time can fix this," the Doctor said.

Jack and Mickey bit their lips when Nine let out a huge belch and excused himself while Rose made a face.

"Wonder if he'll let one rip now?" Mickey muttered in Jack's ear.

"Dunno, but this is great," Jack muttered back. "Damn, I should be filming this. Thisi s priceless."

To Rose's horror, the TARDIS landed and she heard her mother's elation at being visited by her daughter again.

"Doctor, Rose, Mickey? Are you in there?" Jackie yelled as she knocked on the front door.

"What about me? I'm not wanted?" Jack said to Mickey while Mickey sniggered.

Nine moved towards the front door but Rose quickly jumped in front of him.

"No, let me tell Mum first and warn her," she said.

"Out of the way, Rose. I'm perfectly capable of explaining myself," Nine said.

Rose got out of the way and groaned when he waddled past her to the front door. He opened it and Jackie staggered back when the TARDIS widened the front door and showed the Doctor in all his hefty glory.

"Jackie! Nice to see you again!" Nine said, opening his arms wide in greeting.

Rose groaned and put her head in her hands and Mickey and Jack giggled softly as the Doctor waddled out and they saw Jackie's stunned reaction.

"What the hell is this? A bee sting?" Jackie said, pointing to the Doctor as she looked at Rose.

"Bee sting, I didn't think of that one," Jack said, nudging Mickey.

"No, Mum, he…he overate," Rose said, slowly walking towards the ramp.

"Overate what? A dinosaur?" Jackie said while Jack and Mickey silently laughed. "A herd of dinosaurs? A bleedin' planet full of dinosaurs?"

Then they heard it. The Doctor let wind loudly and Jack and Mickey had to hurry out of the room so they could laugh without Rose hearing it. Jackie hurried inside, her face twisted in disgust.

"Sorry about that," they heard the Doctor saying.

"Rose, what is going on? How did he get this fat so fast?" Jackie said to his daughter.

"He…said he just went berserk and overate and he ballooned up," Rose said with a shrug.

"In one go? Does the man have the slowest metabolism in the universe or something?" Jackie said.

"I don't know, Mum. He's an alien," Rose said.

While they were talking, the Doctor waddled back inside and stood behind Jackie. Jackie turned and gasped when she realized his girth was in her face.

"I don't know how long it'll take to lose the pounds but I'm determined to keep going," the Doctor said to Jackie.

"Go where? You can barely walk," Jackie said.

"True but Rose is my faithful friend. I'll just find a forklift and she can drive me everywhere."

"What?" Jackie said. "My daughter is not driving your fat arse anywhere."

"That's not nice, Jackie," the Doctor said sternly as he waggled a finger at her. "Don't mock my affliction."

"Affliction? This is more than an affliction, Doctor. You're the size of a small elephant now," Jackie said. "You wanna go explore, you walk your fat arse there. She's not gonna drive your bum around."

"She is my companion. She was recruited for a moment such as this."

"Well in that case, I'm taking her back. Rose, off this ship this instant! You're not traveling anywhere with Blubberbum, at least until he's back to normal!"

"Mum…"

"I said now, Rose! You're not about to put yourself in danger because it takes an hour for him to walk ten feet now."

The Doctor chuckled.

"It's not funny," Jackie said, turning to him. "You can barely walk. How are you gonna outrun your enemies like this?"

"By turning off my shimmer," the Doctor said.

"What? Shimmer? What's that?" Rose said.

"The holographic disguise I've been wearing all this time."

He reached into his trouser pocket. There was an enormous flash and Rose and Jackie staggered back when the flash faded and the Doctor was his normal body size. He pulled the shimmer out of his pocket and showed it to them.

"See, I do have a sense of humor, Rose," the Doctor said smugly.

Rose's mouth dropped open while Mickey and Jack laughed openly.

"What's going on?" Jackie said, looking from the Doctor to her daughter.

"The Doctor's being a right git, that's what's going on," Rose said while Mickey and Jack bent over laughing. "And they're in on the joke apparently."

"Oh man, you fell for it!" Jack said when he could get his breath back. "I mean, it's so preposterous and you just bought it completely!"

"Well I don't know what his alien body does," Rose protested while Jack and Mickey leaned against each other, howling with laughter. "It looked real! I went around his body trying to find a zipper or something and the thing looked real."

"It's supposed to look real, Rose," the Doctor said.

Rose tried to give him a stern look but it wilted quickly and she finally chuckled at the impish look on the Doctor's face.

"You lot are insane," Jackie said, looking at everyone. "You four are just made for each other, no wonder you get along so well."

They watched as Jackie walked out of the TARDIS, muttering under her breath about how all of them were barking mad.

"See that, Rose. That's the one with no sense of humor!" the Doctor said, pointing back to the front door as the TARDIS resized it.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

The Eleventh Doctor was relaxing in his console room when Amy and Rory came down the back stairs.

"Good morning, Doctor," Amy said, giving him a warm smile.

To her and Rory's surprise, the Doctor suddenly burst into song and sang to them.

"Good morning, Amy. How goes the day. Isn't it time to get up and play? Let's go explore, let's roam some more but make sure, Amy, you don't act like a whore."

Amy and Rory stared at him.

"Act like a whore?" Amy said. "I don't act like a whore, Doctor."

"Amy and Rory sitting in a tree," the Doctor sang. "K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First came love, second came marriage. Then came River, then came her kidnapping, then came her regeneration, then came her growing up with…"

"Shut up, Doctor," Amy said as she and Rory stepped onto the console platform.

"Rory, my boy, do you like being Amy's little toy?" the Doctor warbled. "Don't act so coy, Rory, my boy."

"You're certainly in a musical mood this morning," Amy said to him.

"My name is the Doctor and I'm here to say. I come from a planet called Gallifrey. I'm cool, I'm bad, I'm all that and more. Too bad Amy Pond is still a great, big whore."

"Shut up, Doctor," Amy said while he sniggered.

She eyed Rory when he briefly snickered at that and then shut up under her gaze.

"When Irish eyes are smiling," the Doctor sang. "It's impossible because Irish eyes can't smile. Becaaaause they're eeeeeeyes-uh!"

"Funny," Rory said while Amy chuckled.

"I wanna run, I wanna run, I wanna wanna have some fun. Let's go run, let's go play, let's go fight another day. I wanna run; I wanna run and beat up a harmless nuuuuun!"

Amy and Rory looked at each other.

"Are you going to sing the entire day?" Amy asked the Doctor.

"I am, I am, let's have some Spam!" the Doctor warbled. "Let's eat and eat and…"

"Yeah?" Rory said when the Doctor paused to think of something that rhymes with Spam. Rather than find a rhyme, the Doctor decided to think of a new song instead.

"Rory the Roman, he's a roaming round the countryside," the Doctor warbled. "Commiting suicide. He's roaming round the countryside committing suicide and homicide and infanticide and genocide and regicide and…"

"Can you stop and drop us off somewhere until you get through singing everything?" Rory said to the Doctor.

"I have a wife, my butter knife," the Doctor sang while he ignored the Ponds. "She's my hearts, my soul, the light of my life. She's a bit belligerent and a bit opinionated but she's got some curly hair that's a bit overrated!"

"Funny," Amy said while Rory grinned.

"You must be in a good mood," Rory said.

"Well, I just decided to sing everything and see what you're reaction would be. I do get a bit bored from time to time," the Doctor said with a shrug.

Amy chuckled.

"You oughta come and find us then," she said, hugging him. "We get bored as well and we're always ready for an adventure. It's better than sitting here in this big room, yeah?"

"Yeah," the Doctor said, basking in the love and affection of his in-laws.

"So, stop the singing and let's go find somewhere to explore," Amy said.

The Doctor leapt up.

"We're gonna explore, we're gonna explore," he sang as he walked towards his console. "But I gotta say that Amy's still a whore."

Rory laughed when Amy slapped the Doctor's back playfully.

"Right," the Doctor said as Amy patted his back. "Let's find someplace to go."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Rose was getting freshened up inside her bedroom. They'd just left Deffry Vale High School and the Doctor was taking Sarah Jane back home. She and Mickey were on board and Rose didn't know where they were at the moment but she knew that the Doctor was comforting Sarah Jane about the loss of K9 the last time she saw him.

She was in her en suite bathroom cleaning her face with a flannel, getting the dirt and grime off it. She finished with that, cleaned her teeth and checked herself over. She then left the room and froze when she saw the Doctor standing by the front door.

"Is Sarah Jane and Mickey okay?" she asked him.

The Doctor didn't reply. He stood there, gazing at her intently. Rose shrugged and tried to put away some clothes but the Doctor kept staring at her and finally she turned to him with a sigh.

"What?" she said to him. "What do you want?"

"It has come upon me," the Doctor said in an ominous voice.

"What has?"

"The Hunger."

"The what?" Rose said.

"I tried to get you away from me," the Doctor said in the same ominous voice as he walked slowly towards her. "I prayed it wouldn't happen again. But The Hunger has come."

"Doctor, stop it," Rose said, not liking the way her lover was looking at her.

"I cannot stop it," the Doctor said with wide eyes. "It is time to feed."

"Then go and get something to eat," Rose said.

"No. You don't understand."

Rose gasped when he seized her wrist.

"For the most part, I pass through life without the need to feed on human flesh but once every few centuries, a Time Lord is possessed by The Hunger and I must eat."

"Doctor, stop it!" Rose said, trying not to show the fear she was feeling. "This isn't funny."

"No, it isn't," the Doctor said, his eyes boring into her. "Now you know why I took you with me. Why I take all companions along with me. Because I must have a ready food source when The Hunger takes hold of me. I'm sorry, Rose, I never meant for it to go this far. But now you must serve a far different purpose for me. You must sacrifice your flesh to me or all Earth will be consumed in my feeding frenzy."

"Doctor, let me go," Rose said, panicking, as she tried to jerk her wrist out of his grasp.

"My poor Rose, I cared for you so much," the Doctor said as he slowly backed her up against the wall. "I never wanted this to happen but now you must die or Earth will suffer my cannibalistic wrath."

"No! Leave me alone!" Rose said, now genuinely scared at the scary look on the Doctor's face as he backed her up against the wall.

The Doctor kept her press against the wall while he took his sonic out of his jacket pocket.

"See this? I have a setting that will allow my sonic to cut through flesh and bone," he said as he stared into her eyes. "I will be merciful and decapitate you first because you've been so good to me. But I will have you for my meal, Rose Tyler."

"MICKEY! SARAH JANE, HELP!" Rose screamed.

"Oh, they've already been dispatched," the Doctor said in an ominous voice. "They're in my stew pot as we speak."

"Then eat them!" Rose yelled, trying to wiggle out from behind them.

"But I need more sustenance. I'm sorry but I must eat you as well."

Rose wriggled her hand out from the Doctor's body. She tried to smack his face but given their closeness, it wasn't very hard.

"No one can escape The Hunger, Rose," the Doctor growled, his eyes hungry as he gazed at her.

Rose opened her mouth, intending to bite down on his nose and draw blood in the hopes she could escape him. But then the Doctor began to giggle and Rose raised an eyebrow.

"Did anyone ever tell you that you're extremely gullible sometimes?" he said, the ominous look transforming into his usual warm and loving look.

"You git!" Rose said slapping his chest when he stepped away from her. "Oh, you are a arse sometimes, Doctor, you know that?"

"I couldn't resist," the Doctor said. "After everything that happened today, I needed a laugh. Besides, I used to do this to Sarah all the time. I was a bit impish, especially in my fourth life and I loved winding her up. You're just as good. You really thought I was a cannibal?"

"I didn't know. You're an alien."

"I seem to recall you thought I was capable of rapid weight gain as well," the Doctor said.

"Just go away," Rose said when he sniggered.

"Love ya, Rose, you're always good for a giggle," he said, patting her on top of her head. "Bless your little cotton socks."

"Yeah, yeah, I'll get back at ya one day, Doctor, and you won't find it so funny then," Rose muttered when the Doctor left the room.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

Rose sat down on the sofa in the TARDIS lounge. It was an off day and she was relaxing. She turned on the TV with the remote and found the BBC channel out of the vast selection of universal programming that the TARDIS offered. She wanted to watch Eastenders but she was shocked when she saw the Tenth Doctor on the telly instead.

"And now," a pleasant English voiceover said as the Doctor stood behind a kitchen counter, "it's time for another episode of TARDIS Titbits with your host, the Doctor."

"No way," Rose said, setting the remote down on the sofa beside her. "The Doctor has his own program?"

"Welcome, gentle viewers," the Doctor said as he stood behind the counter. "Once again, it's time for TARDIS Titbits. I'm your host, the Doctor, and today's culinary offering is Ticklebocker Tartar. So let's begin, shall we?"

Rose watched intently as the Doctor put a large pot, a large knife and a burlap sack on the counter in front of him.

"First, we prepare the Ticklebocker," the Doctor said to the camera.

He nudged the sack and Rose's eyes widened when something began to writhe and snort inside it. To her even greater shock, the Doctor seized the knife and plunged it again and again into the bag while screaming, "DIE, DIE, DIE!" over and over as he stabbed the creature repeatedly.

The creature let out one more snort, fell silent and the sack stopped moving. The Doctor withdrew the knife, now stained with green blood, and calmly laid it back on the counter beside the pot.

"There, the creature is dispatched," he said pleasantly. "And now we put it in the pot."

Rose watched while he untied the sack and put the end of it in the pot. To her irritation, the thing went into the pot from the sack and she didn't get a look at what it was. The Doctor threw the sack off camera and took the pot over to a large sink.

"And now we fill the pot with water," he said over his shoulder while he turned on the tap.

He turned off the tap and the camera followed him to a stove. He put the pot on the front burner and turned the gas on.

"And now we let it boil for two hours until the Ticklebocker's skin turns a nice, healthy red," the Doctor said, turning to the camera. "And now while we let it cook, a short film starring me."

Rose blinked when the scene changed from the kitchen to The Bates Hotel. She watched the black and white film, wondering what the hell was going on. She could see Norman Bates's house on the hill behind the Bates Hotel but so far nothing was happening. Then suddenly, the TARDIS materialized in front of it and Rose watched in disbelief while the Doctor stepped out of his ship, holding a black briefcase in his hand. The camera followed him as he walked up to the manager's office and knocked on the door…

The Doctor peered through the pane of glass in the old wooden door but the office was dark and empty. He looked around for any signs of life then walked to the edge of the porch and looked up at the old house.

"HEY, I WANT SOME SERVICE HERE!" he screamed.

A light came on in the front window of the house and the front door opened…

Rose was shocked when she saw herself walking down the steps of the Bates house.

"The hell?" Rose said while TV Rose hurried down the steps towards the Doctor…

"Can I help you?" TV Rose said to the Doctor.

"Yes, I would like a room for the night. I'm shagged out after stealing a monumental amount of money from my place of work and swanning off before anyone notices."

"Well, come inside then," TV Rose said, stepping lightly onto the porch.

Rose watched while TV Rose unlocked the door and they went inside. The Doctor followed her and Rose's eyes bulged when the camera suddenly zoomed in to her ass and filmed it while she walked behind the desk. Then the camera stayed on her ass, even though TV Rose was talking to the Doctor about rooms being available. Then her mouth dropped open when the camera went up to her breasts, then down to her ass, then up to her breasts and kept going back and forth while she listened to herself giving the Doctor cabin one for the night. Then the scene suddenly shifted and the camera was off her ass and into the bathroom while the Doctor started undressing. Rose raised her eyebrows when the Doctor's body suddenly fuzzed up the moment any bare skin was revealed.

"Wait, the camera showed off my arse and tits but the Doctor gets privacy?" Rose said to herself while the fuzzed out Doctor undressed.

He got in the shower and slid the shower curtain shut. Rose watched while he turned on the shower and held his hand under it, testing the water. She noticed from the neck down his body was still fuzzed out and an angry sigh escaped from her nose before she muttered something about killing the Doctor when she saw him.

Then she was shocked when the Doctor began to dance around the bathtub, singing some unfamiliar Korean song while he mimed riding a horse. The camera switched angles and she saw the door slowly opening through the opaque shower curtain while the Doctor pranced back and forth and sang loudly in Korean. While he was making a complete ass of himself, someone came into the room. The figure paused in front of the shower curtain while the Doctor danced and sang, oblivious of the danger. Then the figure drew back the curtain and the Doctor stopped in mid-prance and Rose saw herself standing there, wearing a tacky dress from the 1800's and a mangy brown wig that was tied back in a bun.

"Yes? Is this maid service?" the Doctor said to TV Rose. "I could do with fresh sheets."

TV Rose raised the knife and the Doctor shrieked like a girl while Rose began to stab him repeatedly.

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH GANGNAM STYLE? I THOUGHT IT WAS A BRILLIANT SONG!" Ten wailed while TV Rose stabbed him repeatedly. "I CAN SING SOMETHING ELSE! NOOOOOOOOOO!"

TV Rose stabbed him twenty times before hurrying out of the room. Ten stood there in shock, his back against the tiles for a moment before he slowly slid down them with a loud, annoying "SQUEEEEEEEK!"

"What's wrong with Gangnam Style?" the Doctor croaked out before he fell forward and his face hit the floor.

There was a close up on his face for a moment before he suddenly started to glow. Then the glow intensified and became blinding for a moment. Then suddenly the Doctor hopped back up. Only he wasn't the Doctor. Rose watched in shock while the Doctor examined himself.

"Oh no! I'm not ginger, I'm Jack!" Jack Harkness wailed. "Damn you, proprietor of this establishment for turning me into Jack Harkness! Although…" he said, looking down at his crotch off camera, "there are advantages to being Jack."

Rose blinked in shock when the scene suddenly shifted back to the kitchen.

"And the Ticklebocker is finished," he said to the camera while he picked up the pot with pot holders and took it to the sink. "My, my, it looks positively nummy!"

"Okay, had enough of this," Rose said, getting up and walking out of the room.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX

The Doctor was whistling to himself while he sat on the jump seat.

"Okay, what's with the cookery program?" Rose said as she came into the room.

"What's with what?" the Doctor said, watching while she walked over to him.

"TARDIS Titbits," Rose said, stepping in front of him and putting her hands on her hips.

"I'm sorry?" the Doctor said, confused.

"Your cookery program. TARDIS Titbits, what's with it?"

"What cookery program? I'm sitting here, thinking," the Doctor said, confused.

"You have a program on the telly called TARDIS Titbits. You were cooking something and then it switched to this rubbish version of Psycho where the camera kept filming my arse and tits and then I stabbed you and you turned into Jack."

"What?" the Doctor said, staring at her. "Rose, are you feeling alright?"

"I…"

Rose hesitated when she saw the confused look on his face.

"I saw it," she said. "Honestly, you were on the telly cooking something and then there was Psycho, only I was Norman Bates and I stabbed you and…"

She trailed off when she saw the odd look on the Doctor's face.

"Rose, I think you should have a lie down," the Doctor said. "You're not making any sense. I don't have a cookery program and I've never been in Psycho and I've certainly never regenerated into Jack Harkness. It's just me sitting here."

"Yeah, I suppose you're right," Rose said, putting her hand to her head. "Maybe I do need a kip. I'm hallucinating things."

"I think so, Rose. Just have a lie down and everything will be alright," the Doctor said, getting up and patting her shoulder.

Rose nodded. The Doctor watched while she walked out of the room before he giggled to himself.

"Ah, I'm a bastard sometimes but it was worth fooling Rose with my cobbled together telly program," he said to himself as he sat back down on his jump seat. "I'll have to remember to do that again in future and confuse her some more. Maybe I'll fake a porn film next or something really outrageous just to see what Rose will do."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

River let out a contented sigh as she settled down onto the sofa in the TARDIS lounge. She'd been spending some time with the Doctor and they were going to go out to eat. The Doctor told her he needed to shower and River decided to wait for him and watch a bit of TV. She found a magazine on the coffee table in front of the sofa and flipped through it while she used the remote to turn on the TV. She didn't check what channel the TV was on and didn't really care since she was waiting for the Doctor to come back.

"Bow ties are cool!"

River jerked her head up when she heard her lover's voice coming from the TV. Her eyes boggled when she saw the Doctor dancing down a dark corridor wearing nothing except leather trousers and a black bow tie. The music he was dancing to was techno but as he danced he began to rap to the beat of the song.

"My name's the Doctor, I'm a Time Lord. I'm super cool but I do get bored. I like to travel but I'm no fool. I'll say it again, bow ties are cool!"

"What the hell?" River said as she watched the screen.

The Doctor emerged from the corridor into a darkened room that was filled with scantily clad men and women, all dancing and grinding to the beat while the Doctor shimmed into the midst of them. Her eyes nearly popped out of her head when she saw her parents danced up to the Doctor and dance around him. Both of them were dressed in sexy leather outfits and both of the shook their asses while the Doctor continued to rap about bow ties.

"Bow ties are cool," he rapped as the men and women bumped and grinded around them. "Bow ties are cool. Don't need to go to school to know bow ties are cool."

"When the hell did this happen?" River said to herself. "And how did he get my parents to go along with it?"

The music video ended and River was even more shocked when the next thing she saw was her lover's head on the screen with DTV under it in big white letters.

"That was the latest music video from the Doctor," a male voiceover said. "And next up on Doctor Television, The Blob starring the Doctor."

"The Doctor has his own TV channel?" River said in disbelief.

She settled back against the back of the sofa, watching the film. There was violin music playing while she watched a red title screen with THE BLOB on it in white letters that slowly ran down the screen and dissolved into nothing.

STARRING THE DOCTOR  
WITH AMY POND  
AND RORY WILLIAMS

River was dumbfounded but she kept watching, wondering what the film was like. After the credits, she watched while her parents were inside a car as it drove along a road on a rainy night. Rory was driving while Amy sat beside him. The wipers were going back and forth while the camera was aimed at them through the windscreen.

"Bit dreary tonight," Amy said to her husband while he drove.

"What's that?" Rory said, pointing to something out the windscreen.

Then they both screamed and the camera angle shifted and River saw a gigantic thirty foot red blob sitting in the road. She heard her parents scream as the car drove right into the blob and disappeared.

"Wow, Mum and Dad, you didn't last long," River said dryly.

"Um, I think we should have stopped and used reverse," she heard Rory say from inside the blob.

"Ya think?" Amy said.

River giggled at that. The scene changed to a laboratory. The Doctor was standing at a counter, peering into a microscope. He was wearing a lab coat in place of his jacket and there was a pair of glasses with black frames beside the microscope. Suddenly, he jerked his head up.

"GREAT GALLOPING GOBSTOPPERS! I FOUND IT!" he bellowed.

"Great galloping gobstoppers?" River muttered.

The Doctor put the glasses on his face.

"Amy, Rory, come here, I've found it!" he turned and yelled.

River sniggered when the Doctor waited…and waited and waited and waited.

"I think Mum and Dad are dead at the moment, Sweetie," River said to the TV screen while the Doctor scratched his head and turned with a confused look on his face.

"Ah well," the Doctor said with a shrug. "I must tell the world what I've discovered! To the car!"

He ran out the front door and stopped short when The Blob was right in front of him.

"Oh, hello, you're the thing I discovered," the Doctor said as The Blob pulsated in front of him. "You are trying to take over the Earth, I must stop you!"

He frowned when a blobby tendril snaked out from the mass and touched the Doctor's face lovingly.

"Now, now, there is no softening me up," the Doctor said as the tendril stroked his cheek. "I am convinced you are a threat and you will be stopped and…"

The tendril grabbed her around the waist and pulled the Doctor to the bulk of the blob. The Doctor was held there by the tendril while another tendril stroked his hair.

"Are you randy? I hate randy blobs," the Doctor said, his cheek pressed against the blob. "But your blobby self is so warm, like warm jelly. And I…I LOVE YOU, BLOB!"

River watched in disbelief as her lover began to kiss the blob and declare his love for it.

"Oh, Blob, you are my Heaven!" the Doctor yelled as the Blob slowly absorbed him. "We must get married and…"

His words cut off when the Blob completely absorbed him.

"Oh, there you are," the Doctor said inside the Blob. "I thought you lot were in the lab with me. You were in here all along? Well, you can't have my girlfriend! She's mine, MINE I TELL YOU!"

River snorted when the screen went to black and the words THE END appeared on screen.

"That was the stupidest thing I've ever seen in my life," River said.

"So, are we ready to go then?" the Doctor said as he came into the room

"What is this?" River said, standing up and pointing to the TV.

The Doctor paused and looked where she was pointing.

"That's a telly," the Doctor said to her. "I realize that Madam Kovarian probably didn't provide you with much amusement growing up but surely you know what a television is."

"No, when did you start a TV channel of your own?" River said.

"When did I what?"

"Doctor Television, I just watched a music video where you were bumping and grinding and singing about bow ties with Mum and Dad and now there was some stupid parody of The Blob film where you played some scientist that ended up falling in love with The Blob."

"What?" the Doctor said with a confused look on his face.

"Look! Right here is…"

Her mouth dropped open when she saw Emmerdale Farms was now playing.

"Oh, so you're in this one as well?" River said to the Doctor as he came up beside her.

They watched for a few moments but there was no sign of the Doctor.

"But…this was Doctor Television, it said so," River said.

"River, when would I find the time to make a television channel and put programs on it?" the Doctor said.

"I…I just watched it, I swear," River said.

The Doctor shrugged.

"I know what I saw," River muttered to him.

"Well, there's nothing we can do about it now. So do you want to stay here and figure it out or go out for dinner?"

"No, I'll go. But I will find out the truth about this so-called Doctor Television."

"Well, when you do, tell me your findings," the Doctor said.

River eyed him but she took his hand. The Doctor suppressed a smile as he led her out of the room.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

"Phew, I'm glad the Doctor is letting us have a rest," Tegan said as she and Nyssa sat on the sofa. "I'm shagged out and I could do with a bit of telly right now."

"Are you sure it's alright?" Nyssa said.

"Alright?" Tegan said.

"To sit here and watch telly," Nyssa said.

"I suppose so. The Doctor went to the Zero Room to relax and he didn't say we couldn't. I don't feel like doing anything else at the moment so I'm going to watch telly."

Tegan picked up the remote and turned it on.

"Next on the BBC," the voiceover said, "it's time for another episode of Extreme Cricketing."

Tegan and Nyssa's eyes widened when the program started and they saw the Fifth Doctor standing on a cricket pitch.

"Good day, gentle viewers," the Doctor said. "And welcome to another episode of Extreme Cricketing."

"What the hell?" Tegan said.

"The Doctor has his own television program?" Nyssa said to Tegan.

"I…I suppose so but…when does he find the time to film it?" Tegan said.

"Now normally I find cricket a very dull game indeed," the Doctor said, hefting the bat in his hands. "Which is why I invented my own version. I based part of it on American baseball. Who needs to roll the ball when I can use the bat like an American bat and knock down the wickets that way. Observe!"

"What?" Tegan said when the scene switched to a game in progress. The Doctor was in the forefront while a man guarded the wickets. Tegan's eyes boggled when the Doctor threw up the cricket ball and used the cricket bat to smack it at the man. The Doctor laughed hysterically when the man had to dodge before the ball went into his crotch. Then the Doctor held the bat over his head and chased the terrified man all over the pitch. This went on for a minute and then the scene switched back to the Doctor as he was before, by himself and calm.

"You see, my version is much more exciting," the Doctor said.

"And dangerous," Nyssa said.

"And using my method, I never lose," the Doctor said haughtily.

"Yeah, because you beat the hell out of the other players," Tegan said.

They were shocked when the program ended abruptly.

"That's it?" Nyssa said.

"Apparently, that's all there is to Extreme Cricketing," Tegan said with a shrug.

"That was Extreme Cricketing," the BBC announcer said. "And now it's time for another episode of Eastenders."

"Good, I love this program," Tegan said to Nyssa.

But to their surprise, the next scene showed the Doctor sitting in a living room.

"He's on Eastenders as well?" Nyssa said to Tegan.

"No, Nyssa, the git isn't on Eastenders. Something is wrong here," Tegan said with an angry sigh.

The Doctor was relaxing and watching TV as the scene played out. Suddenly the door behind him opened and there was a dramatic chord as the Fourth Doctor came into the room.

"Doctor?" Tegan and Nyssa said in unison.

"How is the Doctor's other life in this program?" Nyssa said to Tegan.

"I haven't the foggiest," Tegan said, shaking her head.

The Fifth Doctor leapt up from seat.

"What are you doing here?" he said to Four.

"I'm afraid I have disturbing news," Four said. "I'm pregnant with your child."

There was another dramatic chord as the camera zoomed in on Five's face.

"Can the Doctor become pregnant?" Nyssa said to Tegan.

"How should I know?" Tegan said to her. "I'm still trying to figure out how he landed up on Eastenders."

"How can this be?" Five said to Four. "I used contraception."

"I poked a hole in it with a pin," Four said, coming closer to him.

"Why would you do a thing like that?" Five said.

"Because…I want your child," Four said dramatically.

Tegan and Nyssa were speechless as they stared at the TV.

"You must get an abortion then," Five said, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Never! I will never get rid of our love child!" Four said haughtily.

"Okay, where's the Doctor, I have to talk to him about this," Tegan said, looking around.

"You will abort the baby and do it now!" Five said menacingly as he walked towards his younger self. "You are too young to have a child."

"I will have it and no one can stop me!"

He turn and fled out of the room to the tune of another dramatic chord and slammed the door shut. Then the camera focused in on the Doctor's face.

"We shall see who will stop who," Five said dramatically.

"Wow, this is intense, I have to say," Tegan said while they watched.

The scene changed to a country road and Tegan and Nyssa blinked when they saw the Doctor driving a red Honda down the road.

"Why didn't he just take his TARDIS?" Nyssa asked Tegan.

"Maybe because you can't drive one while you're pregnant?" Tegan said dryly.

"He can't tell me what to do! I'm keeping this baby!" Four said as he drove.

Then his eyes bulged and Tegan and Nyssa heard a roar off camera. Four began to scream and the camera angle changed and they watched while an enormous rubber T-Rex let out another roar, bent down and swallowed the car while Four let out a prolonged scream of terror. Then the camera cut back to Five who was sitting in his chair with a smirk on his face.

"I told you I would stop you," Five said dramatically.

"Okay, I've seen enough," Tegan said, getting up from the sofa. "Come on, Nyssa, let's find the Doctor and get an explanation."

Five sighed contentedly. He'd just gotten back from the Zero Room and he was feeling better, more refreshed. He was standing by the console, trying to think of somewhere to go when his companions burst into the room.

"Okay, what's going on here?" Tegan said to him.

"I'm sorry?" the Doctor said.

"We were watching the telly and you were on it," Tegan said.

"I was?" the Doctor said. "Doing what?"

"Playing extreme cricketing," Nyssa said.

"Yeah and you were on Eastenders with your other self," Tegan said.

"What? What other self," the Doctor said.

"Your other self, the one before you," Tegan said, poking his chest. "He was having your baby and you killed him with a fake dinosaur because he wouldn't abort it."

Tegan coughed nervously when she realized how stupid that sounded after the Doctor gave her a dumbfounded look.

"Well, it was Eastenders," Tegan said. "But you were on there and so was your other self and you played extreme cricketing and you hit people with the cricket ball and bat and chased this bloke around the pitch, trying to kill him."

"Okay, come with me," Five said, putting his hands on his companion's shoulders.

"Why?" Tegan said.

"Because you're hallucinating and I want to test you to make sure the TARDIS is free of hallucinogenic gas."

"We didn't inhale any gas, we saw you!" Tegan protested.

"Tegan, when would I have the time to appear on Eastenders? And play cricket? We're usually together, aren't we?"

Tegan and Nyssa looked at each other.

"Well, you do stay awake while we sleep," Tegan said weakly.

"And you think I spend those hours when you're asleep filming fake soap opera plots with my former selves?"

"It was real though, we saw it," Nyssa said.

"Nyssa, some gasses can make you hallucinate things and they seem real. That's why I want to test you and make sure you're alright," the Doctor said.

"Well, it did seem ridiculous," Tegan admitted. "Maybe we were gassed."

"Yeah, I suppose you're right," Nyssa said.

"Thank you. Now come with me to the lab and we'll test you."

Tegan and Nyssa turned and the Doctor bit his lip, holding his laughter in while he followed them out of the room.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

The Doctor isn't the only one who likes pranks. Sometimes the TARDIS gets in on the act. After all, she's stationary and gets bored easily since she can't go out and have adventures like the Doctor can. So once in awhile she takes the mickey out of the Doctor and his companions.

Case in point…

The TARDIS has the ability to go into the minds of people and translate foreign language into something the person can understand. But the TARDIS can also fudge that a bit and make someone hear something totally different from what the person is saying. Here now is an example of that.

Amy and Rory come down the stairs into the console room. The Doctor is standing by the monitor. He has just found a destination for them. The Ponds come up to him and he turns around and faces them and says…

"I found the perfect destination. A resort moon near the planet Denarius. It's got a large hotel, swimming pool, tennis court and nightclubs. And it has tours to the surrounding areas. I thought we could do with a bit of a holiday, what do you think?"

He frowned when the Ponds merely stared at him in shock. Unbeknownst to the Doctor, the TARDIS impishly muted his speech and projected his voice into their minds, making them think they heard him but this is how the TARDIS translated the above paragraph to the Ponds…

"I'm bored, kiddies, so here's what I'm gonna do. I'm thinking about taking a bicycle pump and shoving the hose up my anus and inflating my buttcheeks because I don't think my bum is big enough. What do you think?"

Now you can understand Amy and Rory's shock. Amy then said this to the Doctor…

"Doctor, what the hell are you on about?"

But the TARDIS muted her words and got into the Doctor's head and translated the above sentence to this…

"Doctor, I have massive tits that bounce around like footballs."

So the Doctor stared back at her, trying not to look at her breasts.

"Why are you telling me that?" said the Doctor, which the TARDIS translated to, "Fleener flippidy flop floopa floopa floo."

"What?" Rory said, which the TARDIS translated as, "I'm a tart and I have to fart."

"You a what and you have to do what?" the Doctor said, which the TARDIS translated as, "I'm a kangaroo, flippidy dippidy doo."

By now, everyone was staring at everyone in silent shock, completely confused while the TARDIS had a private giggle.

"Look," the Doctor said. "I'm not sure what you mean by that, I'm just trying to suggest a fun place for us to go to," which the TARDIS translated as "I'm a cartoon character with a chin that's so sharp it can cut through glass."

"Doctor, will you please say something sane?" Amy said, which the TARDIS translated as "I'm a ginger with a hem line so high, you can see my hair and I don't mean on my head."

Now the Doctor was trying not to look at her miniskirt while Amy and Rory stared at him in confusion.

"Okay, wait, let's stop talking for a moment," the Doctor said, which the TARDIS correctly translated.

"Fine," Amy said, which the TARDIS also correctly translated.

The Doctor paused a moment and then said…

"First off, I was trying to suggest a nice place for a holiday so why are you banging on about your breasts and hemline? That makes no sense," which the TARDIS translated as a series of Howler Monkey hooting noises and shrieks.

Amy and Rory glanced at each other and Amy shook her head.

"I think I'm going back to my room now," Amy said, which the TARDIS translated to, "I think I'm going to lay Rory across the console and jump his bones."

"Over my dead body," the Doctor replied which the TARDIS translated as, "I like bonking dead bodies."

He frowned when Amy and Rory showed disgust at that. The Doctor was about to ask them what was going on and why there were making faces like that when the TARDIS finally decided to cut in and explain before the three of them ended up being angry at each other for the rest of the day. The Doctor held up his finger when the TARDIS thought to him and told him what he was doing. When she was finished, the Doctor looked at the ceiling with a withering look on his face while the TARDIS grumbled out laughter.

"I know what's going on here," the Doctor said which the TARDIS let Amy and Rory hear correctly.

"What?"

"My ship is bored and needs a swift kick in her organic arse," the Doctor said.

The TARDIS grumbled out laughter while the Doctor hurriedly explained to the Ponds what happened and why his ship sometimes needed to relieve her boredom. The TARDIS gave her lover's mind a fond little psychic pat when he finished his explanation and told the Ponds again what he had said in the first place.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

"Awwww, you're so snuggly wuggly," the Tenth Doctor said as he held the tiny fluffy white kitten in his hands. "And you're just the perfect little accomplice for the prank I'm going to play on Rose. Let me just put this tiny speaker behind your head," he said as he gently parted the long white hair on the mewling kittin and affixed a tiny microchip sized speaker to the skin behind her head.

The Doctor picked up the kitten, held her close and chuckled when the kitten sniffed his nose.

"Yes, you're the perfect helper for my little plan," he said while the kitten batted his nose and mewed. "Come my little friend, time to put my prank into action."

XOXOXOXOXXOXOXOXOX

Rose was sitting in the lounge, watching TV when she suddenly saw something coming into the room out of the corner of her eye. She looked over and her eyes widened with delight when she saw the cutest white kitten come into the room.

"Look at you then," Rose said, rising up and walking over to her. "You're adorable. Where'd you come from?"

"Rose!"

Rose stopped short when she heard the Doctor's voice coming from the kitten.

"Rose, it's me!"

"Doctor?" Rose said, kneeling down. "What's going on?"

"I did a mind transfer to see if I could do it," the Doctor said while the kitten came over to Rose and sniffed her fingers. "I was successful. I put my mind into this kitten."

"How can I hear you then? You're not talking," Rose said.

"TARDIS is allowing me to telepathically communicate with you," the Doctor said. "It's just a temporary thing, mind. I will put my mind back in my own body in a moment but I just wanted to see what it was like to be a kitten. Pick me up, will you?"

Rose picked the kitten up and the kitten mewed.

"Ah, I can speak but the TARDIS is having a bit of trouble translating," the Doctor said as the kitten mewed in her hands. "I suppose I'll just have to rely on the telepathic communication. Anyway, here I am, Kitty Doctor."

"Aw, you're so cute," Rose said, taking the kitten back to the sofa. "You should always stay like this."

"Nah, too small," the Doctor said. "I like my big body, thanks."

Rose sat down and put the kitten down beside her. The kitten walked over to a pillow at the end of the sofa, rose up and put her paws on it.

"Let's see what's up here then," the Doctor said while the kitten climbed it.

Rose watched while the kitten climbed over it to the arm of the sofa. The kitten then climbed up onto the top of the sofa and walked along it.

"Look at me, I'm a daredevil!" the Doctor crowed while the kitten walked along the top towards Rose. "Wow, I'm really agile."

The kitten walked over to Rose's face while she watched the kitten and sniffed her nose.

"Wow, you smell good. Put on a bit of perfume today?" the Doctor said while the kitten sniffed her face.

"Um…no, just had a shower," Rose said.

"Mmmm," the Doctor said when the kitten came close and began to rub her face with hers. "Yes, this is lovely. Nice and soft, eh?"

"Yes," Rose said, loving the feel of the kitten's fur against her face.

The kitten carefully got down on Rose's shoulder. Rose watched while the kitten walked off her shoulder onto her chest.

"Oh yeah, this is definitely the place to be then," the Doctor said while the kitten walked around in a circle on Rose's chest. "Never been here before, at least not like this."

"Doctor, behave yourself," Rose said.

"Ooo, comfy," the Doctor said while the kitten lay down on her chest and kneaded her breast with her paws. "Oh yeah…this is the best."

"Doctor, stop that!" Rose said.

"Stop what, Rose?"

"Stop…touching my breast," Rose said.

"I'm just sleepy and making myself a nice little pillow here," the Doctor said while the kitten yawned and lay her head down on Rose's breast. "Comfy pillow, right here."

Rose made a face when the kitten's bum ended up pointing at her face.

"Doctor, think you could move a bit so your bum isn't in my nose?" Rose said, trying to gently push the back end of the kitten away from her face.

"Okay, okay, I'm going," the Doctor said when the kitten got up. "Sheesh, want a comfy pillow, that's all. Oh, what's down here?"

Rose's eyes widened when the kitten moved down her body towards her crotch.

"This is definitely a view I've never had before," the Doctor said while the kitten stepped down on her leg. "Can I have a kip right here?"

"No, you may not," Rose said, picking up the kitten.

"Bollocks, I'm just doing what kittens do. Put me down, you meanie!" the Doctor said when the kitten mewed and tried to squirm out of her grasp.

"Alright, alright, I'm doing it!" Rose said, setting the kitten on the ground.

"Meanie old Rose," the Doctor said while the kitten walked away towards the TV. "Doesn't let me sleep on her comfy pillows and holds me roughly. I don't think I'll let you have this kitten when I'm give its mind back to it and ooo…what's behind here then?" the Doctor said as the kitten went behind the TV. "Wow, it's dirty back here, don't you ever clean, Meanie Old Rose?" he added from behind the TV set.

"Whatever, Doctor," Rose said, rolling her eyes.

"Phew, that was perilous," the Doctor said as the kitten came out the other side of the TV. "My body needs a good washing now from all the dust and filth back there," he added when the kitten sat down and began to lick its right front paw. "And mum always said to clean behind your ears," he said when the kitten rubbed her wet paw behind her ear.

Rose watched while the kitten cleaned itself. Then she had an idea. She took off her shoe and unthreaded the shoelace. She put her shoe down and stood up with the shoelace.

"Doctor, look," she said as she walked towards the kitten, wiggling the shoelace.

"Rose, you wouldn't," the Doctor said when the kitten stopped cleaning and watched the shoelace with interest. "How dare you torment me like that? I won't lower myself to chasing the shoelace. I just won't, I tell you!"

"Come and get it, Doctor," Rose said, standing near the kitten and jiggling the shoelace in the air.

The kitten stood and watched it and then crotched.

"No, urge to bat at the shoelace, too strong. Must resist!" the Doctor said in a strangled voice while the kitten crouched and watched the shoestring intently. "No, you little hussy! How dare you tempt me like this. Noooooo!" the Doctor howled when the kitten sprang and began to bat furiously at the shoelace. "You vixen! You humiliated me! I can't stop playing with the shoelace, it's too tempting! I can't stop, nooooooo!"

While Rose was laughing and watching the kitten bat at the string and try to grab it, the real Doctor silently walked into the room, carrying a microphone in his hands.

"No, you torment me!" he said into the microphone.

Rose froze when she realized the Doctor's voice was coming from behind her as well as from the kitten. She turned and the Doctor grinned and waved.

"Congratulations, Rose," he spoke into the microphone, "you fell for the Doctor's Mind in a Kitten Practical Joke! The oldest trick in the book and you didn't doubt it for a moment."

"You arsehole!" Rose said and the Doctor ran out of the room when Rose tried to grab at him. "I shoulda known you were winding me up! You git, get away from me for the rest of the day!"

She turned around and let the Doctor get away while she turned her attention back to the kitten who was now batting at the shoelace that Rose dropped when she confronted the Doctor.

"You poor thing, the Doctor was using you," Rose said in a sweet voice as she walked over to her. "Well, you just stay here with me; I'll protect you from him."

She smiled grabbed the end of the shoelace and wiggled it around the floor, chuckling while the kitten batted at it and tried to catch it.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter Nine

"Okay, K9 are you ready to play a prank on Romana?" the Fourth Doctor asked his faithful dog.

"I do not understand, Master," K9 replied.

"Prank, joke, winding someone up, taking the mickey out of them," Four said in exasperation.

"Still do not understand, Master. Why do you need to take someone called Mickey out of Mistress Romana?"

"Never mind, just…keep quiet while I do this. Is that understood?"

"Affirmative, Master."

The Doctor petted his head and stood up. K9 followed him as he made his way to the Console Room.

XOXOXOXOXOXOX

"Oh, there you are," The blonde haired Romana said when Four and K9 came into the room. "I found a wonderful frock in your wardrobe room. Do you like it?" she added, spinning around and showing off the blue dress with frilly white lace trim.

"I suppose so," the Doctor grunted, his face a grimace as he staggered towards the console.

Romana stopped spinning.

"Doctor, is something wrong?" she said, walking over to him.

"No, no, nothing wrong, just a bit of morning sickness, that's all," the Doctor said, holding up his hand.

"Morning sickness?" Romana said.

"Yes, I'm just a tad ill this morning and I can feel the child moving around and it's bringing a bit of discomfort."

"What?" Romana said.

"Nothing, nothing," the Doctor said dismissively as he waved his hand around.

"No, wait, you said a child was moving around, what child?" Romana said, walking up to him.

The Doctor let out a heavy sigh.

"I wasn't going to say anything until I was sure," the Doctor said, putting a hand on her arm. "But I'm…pregnant."

"What?" Romana said.

"It's true," the Doctor said, nodding.

"You can't be pregnant. Men don't get pregnant."

"Says who?" the Doctor said.

"Um…says the laws of nature, for starters," Romana said.

"Nature is unpredictable, always has been," the Doctor said, pointing his finger at her. "You're a girl so you don't know anything about the male physiology."

"I know you can't get pregnant, Doctor. I do know that much about the so-called male physiology."

"Well, apparently…I'm different."

"You can say that again," Romana muttered.

"And before you say anything, I'm keeping the baby. No abortions for me."

"So…" Romana said, deciding to play along, "who is the fa…moth…who is the parent?"

"I don't know, it's a mystery."

"I'll say," Romana muttered.

"I was thinking about naming the child, Shada. It has a nice ring to it. Especially calling her in to dinner. SHAAAAAAAADAAAAAAAAAA!"

"Okay, Doctor, I think that'll do," Romana said, holding up her hand.

Romana's eyes widened when she saw K9 and suddenly had an idea on how to call the Doctor on his bluff.

"Well, we better let K9 scan you and see how far along the baby's come," Romana said.

"Um…no, that's alright, you don't have to do that," the Doctor said, backing away.

"Why not? It won't hurt a bit and it won't take a tick," Romana said sweetly.

"No, that's alright, I don't want to inconvenience K9."

"Inconvenience him? Scanning is one of his uses, Doctor. He won't mind."

"No," the Doctor said firmly.

Romana sighed angrily.

"K9, is the Doctor lying?" she finally said to the robot dog.

"K9, keep your mouth…" the Doctor started to say but he was cut off when K9 said, "Affirmative, Mistress, Doctor Master is taking the mickey out of you. Please explain who Mickey is and why he is inside you?"

"It's a figure of speech, K9," Romana said while the Doctor gave her a sheepish look. It's a way of saying the Doctor was trying to fool me with a practical joke. Unfortunately, he failed," she said smugly.

"Yeah, well…I'll succeed sometime, just you watch," the Doctor muttered.

Romana skipped over to him, patted him on the head and stepped lightly out of the room.

"Oh, I'll try that prank again sometime and I'll succeed in fooling someone with it, I swear I will. The Doctor isn't a quitter!" he vowed.

He looked at K9 and shook his head.

"And you, you need to learn to be quiet when I tell you to be quiet," he said, pointing to him.

"Mistress Romana asked me for information and I provided her the information she requested, that is my function, Doctor Master."

"Yeah, that's the problem, the next time I try that prank, you have to be somewhere else," the Doctor said. "But no matter, for now, let's go find something to do. Come on, K9."

"Affirmative, Master," K9 said before following the Doctor out of the room.


End file.
